Archive for February, 2008

Just to set things straight first - this post is not regarding anyone romantically.  I hate to admit that being a 25 year old girl that I am in love with Avril Lavigne’s latest album.  It helps me stay away during late night drives, but at the same time it instills this sort of personal power within myself.  

This afternoon was really tough for me, had an experience with my boss that didn’t please me too much, so while my feelings towards the subject are still fresh and host I’d like to post this song and lyrics to the said situation:

Let me tell you about Tommy Taormina.

I met Tommy last year while working at the New York Auto Show.  He was this really cute guy who worked at the booth next to us.  After finally getting over my nerves (which I never usually have when it comes to getting something I want) we talked and we met.  Turns out he was staying in the same hotel as us even.  The remainder of the trip I spent with him.  He seemed to be everything that I ever needed.  He was thoughtful, he was caring, he was cute, he was funny, he was outgoing…  The bond we had seemed very strong, and I was so sad when I had to leave.  So sad that a month later I flew out to Detroit to work with him at his booth there and also so that I could meet his family.  During the month we were apart we talked nearly every day – even though there were some times that felt kind of sketchy, I just ignored them.  Like the time he told me he took an employee to the hospital because they were ill (and by employee he really meant his second girlfriend whom he started dating AFTER we had met and who apparently he shared the same strong bond with – and yes she was blonde).   I find out months later about Amanda, all the while he strings me along.  Had I known that Tommy would have turned into such a douchebag I would have taken my friend Fedor Fedorov up on his offer and allowed his driver to come pick me up and meet him for drinks.  Had I known Tommy was going to be such a douchebag I most likely wouldn’t have paid for my flight into Detroit to meet him.  The only good thing about him is his family.  That being said, I believe Tommy to be a lost individual.  But then again, who isn’t these days?  I’m just trying to come to terms with why I feel I must remain friends with him?  It still bothers me to find out he has a new girlfriend.  It’s like I wanted him to suffer longer for the pain he caused me and now that suffering has been taken away by the presence of a new blonde in his life.I will never hate Tommy.  We will always share that night at the Mercury Lounge, which no one will ever be able to understand.  I just don’t see the point in keeping someone in my life that is still capable of bringing me pain.  Then again, anyone really can cause pain…

How do you rid the garbage in your life if you can’t come to terms with who is garbage and who is treasure?  I believe I made a mistake by deleting Tommy from MySpace today.  But it sure felt good doing it…

You’ll notice the links finally work (thank you Alison!), but there’s still some tinkering around to be done.  Will keep you posted on progress…

Music has a funny way of intertwining itself into ones life.  We’ve had a good few days of sunshine here, and now it’s overcast, and I can tell it may be a bit nippy if I were to step outside.  Usually this weather can bother me, get me down, but not today.  Something about today is making me feel happy and at peace and well; which brings me back to music.

When I am happy like this, the first song that comes into my head is the remixed song from Bob Marley, “Sun is Shinning”.  This song ALWAYS brightens everything in my life.  Maybe because it brings me back to days of summer sunshine driving in my car.  Or the first time I ever heard it was a sunny afternoon in Billy’s apartment and he started dancing to it.  When I hear this song, I cannot sit still, and I cannot not have a smile on my face…

So enjoy! 

My selfish dream would be to live overseas living in a home I owned with my own merit.  I would have attained it by putting other peoples needs aside for once and honed in on one of my many talents that have not been put to proper use due to discouragement and clouded will.  I would have a child, who of course would have come from a painless childbirth and be an angel, whom I was not only a parent to but also a friend and hero.  Unfortunately, the father figure isn’t quite a solid character in this fantasy.  He has either passed on or simply doesn’t exist.  Perhaps this being a dream he could have passed on and I would know him as the greatest man who ever lived - which death would make that something that could never change.

Being that dreams and reality are basically two opposites, in reality all I wish for myself is someone who could love me for all my good and for my faults.  Someone who would make me feel appreciated and pretty.  The only two things regarding reality and dreams that are alike is that I do not see myself planting roots in Abbotsford or Vancouver.  And being that now we are nearing 3 weeks of my oldest brother and his family living in our home - I’m pretty sure I’m not as ready for kids as I thought I was.

I went to church today and was inspired.  Inspired to do more with my life than what I am now.  I believe it’s so easy to make a difference, if one simply tries.  I have come to realize that I don’t give myself enough credit and basically judge myself based on how I am to others.  And to many others I believe I am not much, which I would take as a reflection to myself.  But while I sat in the hallway watching the pastor inside the church speak, I realized that I am a whole lot more than what I have been giving myself credit for.  I am actually a very capable person.  I am possible of doing great things.

I am finding that in society today everything seems to be my-way-or-the-highway.  I’m ready for you now, but I wasn’t before – so come.  I want you so hard, I want you so good – so that means want me too right this minute and leave all your plans behind and come be my toy. 

I appreciate people who call for no reason.  I appreciate people who come out of their way to see me.  I appreciate being appreciated.  I don’t think some of those little things is too much to ask.

I’m taking some advice that Bo gave me last night.  At first I thought she was crazy, but the more we hashed everything out, I can see she is perfectly correct.

So this is me (trying) to take a few steps back before I take anymore forward.

It’s funny how things circle…  I was just re-reading some of my other posts and I was looking at “Nothing Says ‘I Love You’ Like Matching Versace”  In that post I open up mentioning my first boyfriend Randy - whom I just remembered I ran into last night on Granville with the love of his life, Casha.  Then later in that same post it says that I was recently heartbroken.  Well that heartbreak was from Jason, whose friend Joshua I ran into also last night. I just got a strange feeling that I may bump into Billy sometime soon… 

Today is a very sunny and beautiful day.  It almost feels as though everything is back to normal, whatever normal is.  I am half laying here listening to an amazing song that I’m sure the world will fall in love with; I have a very precious handsome dog laying beside me.  Sun is pouring in through the windows and reflecting off the concrete floor.  I find myself in this peaceful state of being that seems to have deserted me for some time until now.  Everything where I am right now just feel right, and I’m going to try and remember every aspect of how I feel right now to get me through the rainy days I know are looming ahead.

On another note, I don’t miss Vancouver at all.  And by Vancouver I mean the going out, the “scene” and the people belonging to that scene (give or take a handful that actually seem genuine).  Last night Cynthia and I went and checked out Wintersleep at the Commodore.  It was decent.  Cynthia is a huge fan of their first album, she said they don’t sound so good live and we both agreed that the sound check could have been better and the vocals were off.  We stayed until the end and left, making our way down Granville Street to perhaps check out Republic – our old stomping grounds.  After being invited to the head doorman’s birthday party on Wednesday and receiving complimentary cover passes we skipped the line and walked right in, well only to be waiting in another one where you have to get a stamp and check your coat (that is unless you are like my neighbor and his mini entourage, Tommy Europe, and get to walk through the “special” side, SO – Cynthia looks at me and says, “Want to forget about it?”  “If you want?” “This is so annoying, I don’t even think it’s worth it.”  “Well we should give the passes back to Tarquin then”  “Why?”  “Respect?  We’re not coming in; we don’t need them…  Don’t want to appear like we weren’t thankful for what he did?”  “Let’s just keep them”  “I don’t know, we should give them back…”  “You think?”  “Yea, and at least say ‘Thank You’.”  We exit through the “special” side and there is a crowd of people on the other sides of the ropes trying to get in, Tarquin is busy in one corner, Cynthia takes initiative and we sneak out the other side and slip into the Saturday night Granville Street crowd making our way over to Unwined to see Sabatino.  We walk into Unwined and the vibe is completely different, SO much better…  I am stopped on the way in and don’t even notice at first that it is Alfonso who has stopped me.  He’s holding onto my arms.  Then I realize it’s him and I give him a big hug and he hugs back, keeps squeezing my arms with a huge smile on his face asking how I have been doing and what have I been up to.  All smiles.  I thought to myself, I guess him and his girlfriend broke up.  He takes us to the bar and gets us vodka waters.  We tell him we’re going to go and say hi to our friend Sunny (a.k.a. Sanjin) and we go.  We are in the other corner talking to Sunny and all of a sudden I notice the familiar face of Alfonso’s girlfriend right in his face, she doesn’t look happy, he looks like he’s trying to explain.  I’m pretty sure she recognized me from pictures before they were dating (damn you facebook!).  Finally we find Sabatino, and he refills our drinks for us.  We stand there and chat a little.  Scott, Alfonso’s business partner, asks us if we need a drink.  “I have goose and water at the table” he says.  “We’re fine, thanks!” we answer back.  He asks me how I’ve been and what I’ve been up to, the usual, talk a  bit of shop (we both have set up public companies) and then he leaves.  Then another person whose name had escaped me but I remembered incredibly comes up and says to me, “You look familiar…” and I said, “I’m sorry, I forget your name, but yes we do know each other.  Remember Angela Rice?  And you were friends with Jason and him and I were sort of seeing each other ages ago?  Jenny Konkins friend…”  “Oh yea!  How are you!  What’s your name again?”  “Cynthia.”  “Joshua”  “That’s right!  Well this is my friend also named Cynthia, and this is my other friend Sabatino” he shakes their hand, seems awkward, and leaves.  “I can’t get over how many people this girl knows.  Everywhere we go she knows somebody.” Cynthia says laughing to Sabatino.  I guess it’s sort of true – but mind you this world is incredibly small.  Then again, how many people can run into their friends ex boyfriend who is from Australia outside the Tate Modern in London England?  Or on their first night out in London run into their biological mothers ex boyfriend?  Run into a person from Vancouver in Kampala, Uganda… the list goes on…

Our night ended with a walk down to Mega Bite pizza.  Cynthia dropped me off after she assured me she was good to drive and I crawled into bed probably sometime just before 2 a.m.

Oh yes, I nearly forgot to mention another great moment in the night.  Dinner.  We went to Italian Kitchen.  The chef took keen in our table and basically custom made our dinner for us.  We told him we were hungry.  So he started us with a caprese salad, and Kobe meatball to tie us over before our main course.  And what was the main course?  Delicious fire grilled steak, jumbo prawns, asparagus risotto and Atlantic lobster all in a vanilla butter sauce.  YUM!  Oh, and let us not forget dessert.  I’m not a fan of tiramisu, but this one was amazing.  Then there was also the chocolate concoction.  Everything was so good.  There was even this lemon sort of ice cream that wasn’t ice cream.  I swear after we each took a bite of it we looked at each other like our mouths had just orgasmed. 

Not a bad night, pretty sure it’s going to tie me over for a while.

“Sweet Isabel”The autumn leaves are falling,Like tears from her eyes,There’s no reason recalling,The pain you felt inside, And I know you’re feeling like, You should run away, run away,And I know you’re wondering, Oh why you should stay,Why you should stayOh Sweet, sweet Isabel,Just believe it will be alright,Sweet, sweet Isabel,No, you don’t have to leave tonightYou feel that change is coming,But you’re so afraid inside,I know your hearts been broken,Oh way too many times, And i know you’re feeling like,You should run away, run awayOh Sweet, sweet Isabel,Just believe it will be alright,Sweet, sweet Isabel,No, you don’t have to leave tonight,You don’t have to leave tonight,No, you don’t have to leave tonight,No, you don’t have to leave tonight,No, you don’t have to leave tonight,Nooo, no you don’t Oh Sweet, sweet Isabel,Just believe it will be alright,Sweet, sweet Isabel,No, you don’t have to leave tonightThe autumn leaves are falling,Like tears from her eyes,There’s no reason recalling,The pain you felt inside.

Free you mind and type what comes…

The mere thought of release causes my flow to stop.  Everything that was there is afraid to come out.  Loved by ones that family wouldn’t accept.  Completed by someone who must be kept a secret. 

What’s wrong with me if I’m so amazing?  Why for the past two years have I found myself alone on Valentine’s?  Why have I not had a relationship over 7 months for the past 5 years?  What’s wrong with me…

Am I destined to be alone forever? 

My heart hurts so much, it is alone and sad and it aches. 

Come rescue me, please – it won’t take much.  All you need to do is call me.  All you need to do is let me know that you care.  All you need to do is open your eyes, I’m right here…