love

It’s a very strange thing when one no longer experiences jealousy. When one has a complete sense of calm. When ones heart is at ease.

I have found the love that gives me no doubt. The love that makes everything okay.

He loves me. I get it now…

My heart aches.  On the one side it loves and is loved so immensely.  But when that sun has set and the moon rises I am drawn down into the sadness that is the dark.  The moon is the only light that makes anything bright enough to see, but even at that it is dark.  Yet there are many sonnets written over the moon.  The moon inspires so much, but how could I live in the dark forever – is it even a possibility?  The moon needs the sun to have its light, but I will never be the sun to the moon, this much I know.  The moon will never need me like it does the sun, instead I could merely dance for the moon, and praise it and sing songs to it, the moon would and could never touch me like the warmth of the sun. 

In the sun everything is bright.  Its warmth reaches down to me and makes me happy.  I feel loved in the sun’s warmth, I feel alive, but at the same time the sun sometimes traps me, there is no where to run from the sun, except for perhaps the shade of a tree, but shadows move and sun replaces shade.  I love the sun, but could I live in it forever?  I know deep down that I could but I get saddened at the thought of never seeing the moon in the same light as I once have.

I don’t want to lose the moon, but there is no way a moon could live in a sun-inhabited sky.  Nor could the sun ever touch the strength of the moon’s night.

I find myself at times torn between two skies.

Let me tell you about Tommy Taormina.

I met Tommy last year while working at the New York Auto Show.  He was this really cute guy who worked at the booth next to us.  After finally getting over my nerves (which I never usually have when it comes to getting something I want) we talked and we met.  Turns out he was staying in the same hotel as us even.  The remainder of the trip I spent with him.  He seemed to be everything that I ever needed.  He was thoughtful, he was caring, he was cute, he was funny, he was outgoing…  The bond we had seemed very strong, and I was so sad when I had to leave.  So sad that a month later I flew out to Detroit to work with him at his booth there and also so that I could meet his family.  During the month we were apart we talked nearly every day – even though there were some times that felt kind of sketchy, I just ignored them.  Like the time he told me he took an employee to the hospital because they were ill (and by employee he really meant his second girlfriend whom he started dating AFTER we had met and who apparently he shared the same strong bond with – and yes she was blonde).   I find out months later about Amanda, all the while he strings me along.  Had I known that Tommy would have turned into such a douchebag I would have taken my friend Fedor Fedorov up on his offer and allowed his driver to come pick me up and meet him for drinks.  Had I known Tommy was going to be such a douchebag I most likely wouldn’t have paid for my flight into Detroit to meet him.  The only good thing about him is his family.  That being said, I believe Tommy to be a lost individual.  But then again, who isn’t these days?  I’m just trying to come to terms with why I feel I must remain friends with him?  It still bothers me to find out he has a new girlfriend.  It’s like I wanted him to suffer longer for the pain he caused me and now that suffering has been taken away by the presence of a new blonde in his life.I will never hate Tommy.  We will always share that night at the Mercury Lounge, which no one will ever be able to understand.  I just don’t see the point in keeping someone in my life that is still capable of bringing me pain.  Then again, anyone really can cause pain…

How do you rid the garbage in your life if you can’t come to terms with who is garbage and who is treasure?  I believe I made a mistake by deleting Tommy from MySpace today.  But it sure felt good doing it…

I am finding that in society today everything seems to be my-way-or-the-highway.  I’m ready for you now, but I wasn’t before – so come.  I want you so hard, I want you so good – so that means want me too right this minute and leave all your plans behind and come be my toy. 

I appreciate people who call for no reason.  I appreciate people who come out of their way to see me.  I appreciate being appreciated.  I don’t think some of those little things is too much to ask.

I’m taking some advice that Bo gave me last night.  At first I thought she was crazy, but the more we hashed everything out, I can see she is perfectly correct.

So this is me (trying) to take a few steps back before I take anymore forward.

My friends…  I have tasted something amazing.  This amazing drink has been named after the host who poored and came up with the idea, Louis.  We call this drink Louilicious (name still pending).  Bailey’s, Patron Espresso Tequila, and ice.  YUM YUM YUM.  But be careful, because like another favorite drink of mine that is delicious (Rickards Red with vanilla Stoli’s) IT WILL KICK YOU IN THE BUTT!  Kolton, I know you’ll be happy to hear that this little drink DID give me a bit of a hangover.  

Where are all the good guys?  It seems that the only good guys to be found are all overseas.  But if I were overseas as well would they still seem good?  I fear it is impossible to find a local person who returns calls, places calls or in the least appears to be thoughtful.  If they do?  They are either married, in a relationship, or gay.  Out of all the people I txt’d last night, the only ones to return a txt was my girl friend Dianne.  Out of the people to call me?  The only person was Melany, even though I was told earlier in the day by some that they would call.  Out of the people to return a txt with a call was Steve (married).  Out of the people to txt me on their own?  Blair in Australia.  Out of the people to email me on their own?  Alex in London.  With all the advanced forms of communication we have in this day and age you’d think that people would reach out more.  But no.  And then these people have the audacity to tell me they want to cut the crap out of their lives and have meaningful relationships?  How is that even possible without communication. 

Matt told me that trust is everything in a relationship.  But I beg to differ.  Without communication you can’t trust a person.  If you are not communicated with you begin to think misleading thoughts of people, which lead to not being able to trust them.  Because if they say they’ll call and they don’t?  How can you trust their word when they say that to you again?  And when they say they like talking and hanging out with you?  How can you believe that if they can’t even call or txt you let alone return a call or txt? 

I’m tired of being mislead by people. I honestly don’t know what I’m holding onto.  

I was browsing through a folder called “Archived Pictures” and I came across this old picture of me and who I call the first love of my life.  Even though technically I suppose Randy in the 11th grade was, but really, based on someone who still holds a very special place in my heart, it’d have to be Billy. 

 I first met Billy at an afterhours called “Triple 8″ when I was 17.  He took a five dollar bill and folded it into a ring for me (where the jewel would have been was where the five was) and he put it on my finger.  I had a huge crush on him instantly (of course he was the hottest asian I’ve ever seen and for those of you who know me know that I went through a huge asian faze in my younger years).  Billy and I lasted all of 3 months.  There was just too much of an age and maturity gap, maybe even a learning gap between us.  I didn’t know how old he was, but I knew he was much older than I. 

Two years go by and I find myself at a fashion show at Au Bar with the same girlfriend I had been at Triple 8 with (she’s a year younger than me).  I am recently heartbroken and say to my friend, “I want to find a guy like Billy.”  We both were under the impression that he had moved to Toronto.  All of a sudden I get this bear hug from behind and I hear a familiar voice, “That’s it!  My search is over!  You’re the girl for me!” (but picture that in a thicker Chinese accent) and I get spun around only to find out that it is Billy himself!  I was so happy.  We dated for another seven blissful months before he broke up with me saying that my parents would never accept him.  He started seeing another girl, last I heard they moved to the island and started a family.  I didn’t like her, she was a bitch, she wouldn’t let him talk to me… 

Miss you Billy Tong, where ever you are… 

Is there a point in waiting, even when you don’t know if what you’re waiting for may happen?  It’s almost as though you’re waiting in line to see a show that you’re not even sure is going to play.  You know the show will be amazing, so amazing that you could wait forever it seemed for it.  But is there a point in waiting for a show that may never begin?  Waiting for the amazing show would so be worth it, yet on the same note is it worth missing the possible life that passes you by as you wait?  The puppy love teenagers, the newly engaged couple, the bliss of not having yet come down from a honeymoon, the couple pushing a stroller with a newborn…  

“I’m practicing my patience” she said.  ”What does that mean?” he asked back.  ”It means I’m not going to jump into anything too soon, that I’m going to take my time with people and with life.”  ”You’ve been practicing your patience for two and a half months now, isn’t that long enough?”  She paused for a moment then answered, “No.”.  The more he seemed to pull away, the more she thought if what she was doing was right.  Was she waiting for nothing?  Is what she is holding out for actually going to happen, or will she have just wasted all this time.  ’This is not a waste of time, it’s called being patient and that’s never an easy thing to do, that’s why they say patience is a virtue.’  She repeated that to herself over and over, but for some reason it didn’t make her feel any better.  If only there were some sort of reassurance, some sort of sign.  Anything to make her smile and let that flame burn again…

Lately I have found myself to be emotional.  I try to pull strength from my patience ring but even that now at times I find hard.  Some tell me I am going through a lot, but in my mind I do not feel that I am.  Yes my 93 year old grandfather is in the hospital.  Yes work has been really busy for me.  Yes my life has been going through some changes.  I don’t know if I should feel guilty though that the main though occupying my mind is none of the above.  I feel so helpless.  I feel so left out and as if I don’t matter almost.  I know that I DO matter, but I just feel like so much has been left unsaid and it makes me wonder why it has been left unsaid and what is needing to be said that is not… ”I’m just going to put this out there…  I want to be on you”. 

Lately I’ve been reading and finding many common articles stating how to have a peaceful sleep.  They say think of a happy memory before you fall asleep and your dreams will be good.  WELL, I did have good dreams last night.  I don’t know if it was due to an utterly perfect evening of chinese food in bed, watching Mr. Brooks and South Park added with appreciated conversation or what that also could have led to this peaceful slumber, but upon waking I felt so at peace.

Everything I wanted and didn’t know I wanted happened in my dream last night.  I was asked by someone if they could be my boyfriend, and in the millisecond before I said “Yes!” I thought to myself, Am I ready for this?  And after saying “yes” I felt complete, I felt amazing, and I knew it was right.  Even though the boy who asked me in my dream is someone I never dated, someone who has a girlfriend, and someone who is a mere acquaintance, it felt so good to have all the questions that are left unanswered, the questions that one waits until they no longer can wait to ask answered…  It brought peace to me.  The only sad thing was that as my morning went on after I woke up, I admit it is a bit disappointing that it was only a dream.  But on another note, that dream has put a spark of hope in my being that I thought had nearly dimmed…

 Prayers out to Benji as he has xrays on his hind leg today at 12:20pm.