Posts Tagged ‘dogs’

I don’t get how we can go from friends to not friends. I don’t get how you can’t see some things that I clearly can but still wouldn’t see them if I told you. Maybe you’re not ready to accept it. I feel like some truth has been left out. I want our friendship back. You haunt me everywhere and it’s really hard because I feel as though I’ve been cut out. I shouldn’t feel like I have to come up with excuses to talk to you.

This is so frustrating.

Are we even friends anymore or have you just rubbed me out completely? Just tell me.

I miss my friend. I miss him all the time. I miss being on his couch near that big window that lets in the light but also the heat. I one time just sat there all afternoon and finished Catcher In The Rye in one sitting, while he on the other end created something out of nothing. My friend creates music. What I would give to sit on that couch again.

I want to cry. I don’t know what happened that made things entirely different. Okay, that’s a lie; I know what happened. I found someone who loved me. My heart is so sad because I feel like I’ve lost someone so incredibly special.

Do you ever do something that you know will bring you down? I listen to his music to take me back, knowing that it’ll pain my heart and cause a giant lump to form in my throat. Sometimes it brings me down, but not every time. Sometimes it makes me smile and I can’t help but appreciate how amazing this person is. I believe there are very few people in the world that will actually ever understand him. Very few people who could “handle” him; I wish I could find him love. He deserves it. But it’s hard to find someone like me – who would suit him so well. There are others who love him. But they just wouldn’t work.

My friend is amazing. He is so incredibly smart. I love his wit. This person is so amazing. At the same time I think he is blinded to some of his greatest attributes. I don’t think he realizes how deserving of happiness he is. My friend is mentally ill, but I find that to be part of his charm.

I miss you. I miss what we had. And I’m wondering if it’s too late to get any of that back?

Clouds of thoughts fly through the skies of my mind. It is not raining, nor is there snow, but the sunny skies are seeing partial clouds and I find myself looking at these clouds wondering what they bring. I could look at them as a dark shadow looming over my sunlight, or are they simply just passing clouds reminding me of different days. Days not filled with sunshine…My skies have no mountains to trap their air, their clouds, or their smog. My skies rely on a breeze to make the weather pass. Sometimes the breeze is strong and the clouds are just a mere passing change in the sky, sometimes not even noticed as they pass at night while I sleep. But sometimes there is no breeze and the clouds linger, and I am awake and not in my sleep, seeing light clouds covering a somewhat starlit sky, oddly enough leaving enough space for the bright moon to shine.It isn’t the changing of the seasons just yet, I sometimes wonder if the changing of the seasons will ever come – when it does, how will I be? Will I be ready, or will I be drawn to the clouds and pulled away with the breeze like a balloon let go by a mindless child.

My heart aches.  On the one side it loves and is loved so immensely.  But when that sun has set and the moon rises I am drawn down into the sadness that is the dark.  The moon is the only light that makes anything bright enough to see, but even at that it is dark.  Yet there are many sonnets written over the moon.  The moon inspires so much, but how could I live in the dark forever – is it even a possibility?  The moon needs the sun to have its light, but I will never be the sun to the moon, this much I know.  The moon will never need me like it does the sun, instead I could merely dance for the moon, and praise it and sing songs to it, the moon would and could never touch me like the warmth of the sun. 

In the sun everything is bright.  Its warmth reaches down to me and makes me happy.  I feel loved in the sun’s warmth, I feel alive, but at the same time the sun sometimes traps me, there is no where to run from the sun, except for perhaps the shade of a tree, but shadows move and sun replaces shade.  I love the sun, but could I live in it forever?  I know deep down that I could but I get saddened at the thought of never seeing the moon in the same light as I once have.

I don’t want to lose the moon, but there is no way a moon could live in a sun-inhabited sky.  Nor could the sun ever touch the strength of the moon’s night.

I find myself at times torn between two skies.

Today is a very sunny and beautiful day.  It almost feels as though everything is back to normal, whatever normal is.  I am half laying here listening to an amazing song that I’m sure the world will fall in love with; I have a very precious handsome dog laying beside me.  Sun is pouring in through the windows and reflecting off the concrete floor.  I find myself in this peaceful state of being that seems to have deserted me for some time until now.  Everything where I am right now just feel right, and I’m going to try and remember every aspect of how I feel right now to get me through the rainy days I know are looming ahead.

On another note, I don’t miss Vancouver at all.  And by Vancouver I mean the going out, the “scene” and the people belonging to that scene (give or take a handful that actually seem genuine).  Last night Cynthia and I went and checked out Wintersleep at the Commodore.  It was decent.  Cynthia is a huge fan of their first album, she said they don’t sound so good live and we both agreed that the sound check could have been better and the vocals were off.  We stayed until the end and left, making our way down Granville Street to perhaps check out Republic – our old stomping grounds.  After being invited to the head doorman’s birthday party on Wednesday and receiving complimentary cover passes we skipped the line and walked right in, well only to be waiting in another one where you have to get a stamp and check your coat (that is unless you are like my neighbor and his mini entourage, Tommy Europe, and get to walk through the “special” side, SO – Cynthia looks at me and says, “Want to forget about it?”  “If you want?” “This is so annoying, I don’t even think it’s worth it.”  “Well we should give the passes back to Tarquin then”  “Why?”  “Respect?  We’re not coming in; we don’t need them…  Don’t want to appear like we weren’t thankful for what he did?”  “Let’s just keep them”  “I don’t know, we should give them back…”  “You think?”  “Yea, and at least say ‘Thank You’.”  We exit through the “special” side and there is a crowd of people on the other sides of the ropes trying to get in, Tarquin is busy in one corner, Cynthia takes initiative and we sneak out the other side and slip into the Saturday night Granville Street crowd making our way over to Unwined to see Sabatino.  We walk into Unwined and the vibe is completely different, SO much better…  I am stopped on the way in and don’t even notice at first that it is Alfonso who has stopped me.  He’s holding onto my arms.  Then I realize it’s him and I give him a big hug and he hugs back, keeps squeezing my arms with a huge smile on his face asking how I have been doing and what have I been up to.  All smiles.  I thought to myself, I guess him and his girlfriend broke up.  He takes us to the bar and gets us vodka waters.  We tell him we’re going to go and say hi to our friend Sunny (a.k.a. Sanjin) and we go.  We are in the other corner talking to Sunny and all of a sudden I notice the familiar face of Alfonso’s girlfriend right in his face, she doesn’t look happy, he looks like he’s trying to explain.  I’m pretty sure she recognized me from pictures before they were dating (damn you facebook!).  Finally we find Sabatino, and he refills our drinks for us.  We stand there and chat a little.  Scott, Alfonso’s business partner, asks us if we need a drink.  “I have goose and water at the table” he says.  “We’re fine, thanks!” we answer back.  He asks me how I’ve been and what I’ve been up to, the usual, talk a  bit of shop (we both have set up public companies) and then he leaves.  Then another person whose name had escaped me but I remembered incredibly comes up and says to me, “You look familiar…” and I said, “I’m sorry, I forget your name, but yes we do know each other.  Remember Angela Rice?  And you were friends with Jason and him and I were sort of seeing each other ages ago?  Jenny Konkins friend…”  “Oh yea!  How are you!  What’s your name again?”  “Cynthia.”  “Joshua”  “That’s right!  Well this is my friend also named Cynthia, and this is my other friend Sabatino” he shakes their hand, seems awkward, and leaves.  “I can’t get over how many people this girl knows.  Everywhere we go she knows somebody.” Cynthia says laughing to Sabatino.  I guess it’s sort of true – but mind you this world is incredibly small.  Then again, how many people can run into their friends ex boyfriend who is from Australia outside the Tate Modern in London England?  Or on their first night out in London run into their biological mothers ex boyfriend?  Run into a person from Vancouver in Kampala, Uganda… the list goes on…

Our night ended with a walk down to Mega Bite pizza.  Cynthia dropped me off after she assured me she was good to drive and I crawled into bed probably sometime just before 2 a.m.

Oh yes, I nearly forgot to mention another great moment in the night.  Dinner.  We went to Italian Kitchen.  The chef took keen in our table and basically custom made our dinner for us.  We told him we were hungry.  So he started us with a caprese salad, and Kobe meatball to tie us over before our main course.  And what was the main course?  Delicious fire grilled steak, jumbo prawns, asparagus risotto and Atlantic lobster all in a vanilla butter sauce.  YUM!  Oh, and let us not forget dessert.  I’m not a fan of tiramisu, but this one was amazing.  Then there was also the chocolate concoction.  Everything was so good.  There was even this lemon sort of ice cream that wasn’t ice cream.  I swear after we each took a bite of it we looked at each other like our mouths had just orgasmed. 

Not a bad night, pretty sure it’s going to tie me over for a while.

“Sweet Isabel”The autumn leaves are falling,Like tears from her eyes,There’s no reason recalling,The pain you felt inside, And I know you’re feeling like, You should run away, run away,And I know you’re wondering, Oh why you should stay,Why you should stayOh Sweet, sweet Isabel,Just believe it will be alright,Sweet, sweet Isabel,No, you don’t have to leave tonightYou feel that change is coming,But you’re so afraid inside,I know your hearts been broken,Oh way too many times, And i know you’re feeling like,You should run away, run awayOh Sweet, sweet Isabel,Just believe it will be alright,Sweet, sweet Isabel,No, you don’t have to leave tonight,You don’t have to leave tonight,No, you don’t have to leave tonight,No, you don’t have to leave tonight,No, you don’t have to leave tonight,Nooo, no you don’t Oh Sweet, sweet Isabel,Just believe it will be alright,Sweet, sweet Isabel,No, you don’t have to leave tonightThe autumn leaves are falling,Like tears from her eyes,There’s no reason recalling,The pain you felt inside.

Free you mind and type what comes…

The mere thought of release causes my flow to stop.  Everything that was there is afraid to come out.  Loved by ones that family wouldn’t accept.  Completed by someone who must be kept a secret. 

What’s wrong with me if I’m so amazing?  Why for the past two years have I found myself alone on Valentine’s?  Why have I not had a relationship over 7 months for the past 5 years?  What’s wrong with me…

Am I destined to be alone forever? 

My heart hurts so much, it is alone and sad and it aches. 

Come rescue me, please – it won’t take much.  All you need to do is call me.  All you need to do is let me know that you care.  All you need to do is open your eyes, I’m right here…

Is there a point in waiting, even when you don’t know if what you’re waiting for may happen?  It’s almost as though you’re waiting in line to see a show that you’re not even sure is going to play.  You know the show will be amazing, so amazing that you could wait forever it seemed for it.  But is there a point in waiting for a show that may never begin?  Waiting for the amazing show would so be worth it, yet on the same note is it worth missing the possible life that passes you by as you wait?  The puppy love teenagers, the newly engaged couple, the bliss of not having yet come down from a honeymoon, the couple pushing a stroller with a newborn…  

“I’m practicing my patience” she said.  ”What does that mean?” he asked back.  ”It means I’m not going to jump into anything too soon, that I’m going to take my time with people and with life.”  ”You’ve been practicing your patience for two and a half months now, isn’t that long enough?”  She paused for a moment then answered, “No.”.  The more he seemed to pull away, the more she thought if what she was doing was right.  Was she waiting for nothing?  Is what she is holding out for actually going to happen, or will she have just wasted all this time.  ’This is not a waste of time, it’s called being patient and that’s never an easy thing to do, that’s why they say patience is a virtue.’  She repeated that to herself over and over, but for some reason it didn’t make her feel any better.  If only there were some sort of reassurance, some sort of sign.  Anything to make her smile and let that flame burn again…

I always thought this is something that I wantedBut am I willing to break someone’s heart?This is something which my mind has been tauntedBut how come when it’s so good I want to dart?I always thought I wanted to fall, fall so so deep…I always thought this is the way it’s supposed to feel,But what IS the reason we did meet?You are in my thoughts constantly, but I think a lotIn my mind 80%, but again it’s just a thought.Who’s to say what will work in reality?Who’s to say this is even a possibility?Who in the end will say this is right?Is this even worth the possible fight?I always thought I wanted to fall, fall so so deep…But what IS the reason we did meet…