Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

It’s funny how sometimes you realize how lonely of a soul you actually are.  It’s Saturday night and I’ve given up on the television, much like I’ve given up on a lot of other things in my life.  I have come to realize that I’ve basically been relying on the output of others to maintain any relations that I’ve had.  And I also now realize that others, like me, get tired of putting out the effort.  There was a time where I felt I put the effort out in life for “friends” and for other people who seemed to be more in my life.  Then I thought, I’m done, me first from now on.  Living in a “me first” world isn’t all it’s cracked out to be.  I need to start putting the effort back into things – but to be honest with you, I’m scared of what the outcome of that may be.  I’m scared that I may put out too much effort and scare people away.  I may put out too much effort and actually amount to more in life.  What am I afraid of?  What is so scary about life?  Everyone lives it, and to be honest mine has been completely blessed, so who am I to be afraid?  I have no home to lose, no friends to lose (I can count my true friends on one hand), why am I scared…

It’s also funny how the people you keep around “just for fun” can be so greatly missed when no longer in your life.  And no Alex, this isn’t pertaining to you.  I’ve censored my blog for so long now, I am tired of it and no longer will.  There was someone in my life with which I knew our relationship would lead nowhere.  I knew it from the beginning, but time spent with this person made me feel… made me feel like I had a place, like I was special, like I was lucky…  Now that I’m back from NY this person has slipped out of my life, and I have put in the effort – this person has driven me mad, and I’ve deleted them from my mobile.  I feel at peace, yet I feel sad…  I know that he will call me sometime next week, maybe…

This day and age is hard.  We have computers with Internet, we have cell phones with text messaging, email, pinning, different messenger programs, we have faxes and we have overnight delivery.  In a world where everything gets out so fast, the only thing we as people can’t rush is relationships – and it’s almost like who has time for those these days anyways?  It’s a sad thought.  It’s like when you finally meet someone who gives you that extra heartbeat you have to surround yourself in their image to remind yourself that they do exist.  I blame digital cameras.  Before digital cameras we had film, you’d take pictures and then you’d get them developed.  You had a hard copy of that memory right in front of you – now it gets loaded onto your computer and is lost in your hard-drive, rarely to be seen except for those times you find yourself randomly going through them.

We need to print more pictures.