Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

We are closer to our neighbors more than ever before in history,

Yet we do not know who lives next to us.

We can befriend people in far away countries, miles away,

But give two shits about the people around us and in our lives.

Technology can bring us together,

Yet it alienates us all the more.

What’s to come in 10-20 years time? What will our futures hold, and what of today is going to become something of the past?

Everything comes full circle sometime or another.

It’s been awhile since my last post.  And there’s not other reason for it other than laziness.  Also maybe I can blame it on the fact that I’ve picked up the original form of blogging, which is journalling.  I’ve started two journals actually.  One is a secret project for my loved one that I plan to give him when the time is right.  The other is my personal journal.  I’m going to try and blog more often though.  I don’t event think people read my blog (but when I look at my online statics I am proven otherwise - so sorry about that!), but when Jay told me at Russ’ wedding this past weekend in Calgary that he enjoyed reading my blog, something about the honesty in it I think (?  it was not a dry wedding and although I was not drunk memory is a bit foggy) I realized I should blog more. SO…  I will.  Promise :) 

Clouds of thoughts fly through the skies of my mind. It is not raining, nor is there snow, but the sunny skies are seeing partial clouds and I find myself looking at these clouds wondering what they bring. I could look at them as a dark shadow looming over my sunlight, or are they simply just passing clouds reminding me of different days. Days not filled with sunshine…My skies have no mountains to trap their air, their clouds, or their smog. My skies rely on a breeze to make the weather pass. Sometimes the breeze is strong and the clouds are just a mere passing change in the sky, sometimes not even noticed as they pass at night while I sleep. But sometimes there is no breeze and the clouds linger, and I am awake and not in my sleep, seeing light clouds covering a somewhat starlit sky, oddly enough leaving enough space for the bright moon to shine.It isn’t the changing of the seasons just yet, I sometimes wonder if the changing of the seasons will ever come – when it does, how will I be? Will I be ready, or will I be drawn to the clouds and pulled away with the breeze like a balloon let go by a mindless child.

Even as I type the title, “A New Beginning” I realize that there is no real new beginning as I know I am and still am going to be the same.  It’s funny how as soon as I rejoined the world of facebook I’ve written less and less on my blog.  I’m going to start writing more.  Now I can write and say almost whatever I want to, no fear. 

This weekend Dave and I are taking the kids on a little adventure.  Thursday morning bright and early (5am with a man who doesn’t drink coffee) we are heading for Kelowna so that I can still start work - even though a little late - at 9am.  Dave’s tour manager, Russ, got us an early check-in so that will be nice.  Default plays at Flashbacks Thursday night.  It’s going to be the first time I’ve ever seen Dave play (I’ve seen him play with his other band, The David Anthony Project, but never with his first band, Default).  I’m excited and nervous and curious to how it’s going to be.  Dave is one of the few people on this planet that I trust 300%, unfortunately it’s not so easy to trust females, especially fans.  I hope that this show doesn’t turn me into some type of scary freak who has mild heart attacks every time her man goes on tour.  Especially with them now being picked up by The Orchard and the new album which is going to mean more touring… All I can do is see what happens, and then I can blog about it!

I miss my friend Matt.  I miss him very much.  I’m not sure anyone will ever be able to see/understand the friendship I treasure with him…  Just thought I’d throw that out there.  

My heart aches.  On the one side it loves and is loved so immensely.  But when that sun has set and the moon rises I am drawn down into the sadness that is the dark.  The moon is the only light that makes anything bright enough to see, but even at that it is dark.  Yet there are many sonnets written over the moon.  The moon inspires so much, but how could I live in the dark forever – is it even a possibility?  The moon needs the sun to have its light, but I will never be the sun to the moon, this much I know.  The moon will never need me like it does the sun, instead I could merely dance for the moon, and praise it and sing songs to it, the moon would and could never touch me like the warmth of the sun. 

In the sun everything is bright.  Its warmth reaches down to me and makes me happy.  I feel loved in the sun’s warmth, I feel alive, but at the same time the sun sometimes traps me, there is no where to run from the sun, except for perhaps the shade of a tree, but shadows move and sun replaces shade.  I love the sun, but could I live in it forever?  I know deep down that I could but I get saddened at the thought of never seeing the moon in the same light as I once have.

I don’t want to lose the moon, but there is no way a moon could live in a sun-inhabited sky.  Nor could the sun ever touch the strength of the moon’s night.

I find myself at times torn between two skies.

I just have to say that I am very annoyed with a certain persons website right now and I hate that I even find myself reading it the odd time.  It genuinely annoys me to read.  This person is so incredibly utterly blind.  There was a point where I wanted to be her friend, but I’m not so sure anymore.  Well, not that I’m not sure, I just know it will never happen.This is how you come off to people:  know-it-all, better than thou, upper crust.I know/hope, you are not like that.  But you need to stop pretending.What you need to know is that you really do have to love yourself, I’m not sure you entirely actually do.  You also need to know that he will never love you in the way that you imagine.  He is not even remotely physically attracted to you.  That being said, you deserve someone better than him. 

Simply delicious! 

2 cups spring medley salad
to taste salt and pepper
4 ounces tuna fillet
1 strip turkey bacon cooked and crumbled
1/2 cup tomato seeded and chopped
2 asparagus coarsely chopped
1 egg white hard boiled, coarsely chopped

In a large Salad bowl, arrange spring medley salad, asparagus, tomatoes, egg & bacon.

Season tuna fillet with salt and pepper.

Heat a nonstick skillet with nonfat vegetable oil spray on medium high heat. Place tuna in skillet and sear 2-3 minutes on each side. Remove tuna from pan and place on salad.

Drizzle with 1-2 tablespoons of red wine vinegar.

I really need to get my act in gear.  I’ve been milling around for too long doing nothing to chase any dreams I may have or anything really to better myself.  My Opa (German for Grandpa) died on April 10, 2007.  His funeral was yesterday on the 17^th.  Being that my childhood memories of Opa don’t really include me remembering his personality, but more so his smile, I can’t say that I really knew my Opa all too well (he’s suffered from several strokes, never been the same since he had a blood clot on his brain removed, etc).  But being at his funeral opened my eyes to the characteristics of my Opa and how he was remembered, his characteristics and mannerisms.  It occurred to me that my own father is just like his dad – a thought that had never occurred to me.  I always thought that my dad was just the way he is.  Stubborn, hard working, expects a lot from his children yet at the same time does everything he can to help them along the way.  Much like my Opa did.  Someone during the sharing time said that my Opa was a respected man, one whom could just walk in a room and his presence alone demanded respect.  I see my father as the same way.  I saw my dad cry for the first time in my entire life of 25 years yesterday.  He was giving the eulogy and began to cry, trying to hold it back, while reading a verse my Opa had picked for when my Opa and my Oma were baptized together.

Knowing that my Opa is now in Heaven and can look down and see everything makes me want to be a better person.  I no longer want to drink in excess, associate with people and places that are questionable…  I know it’s cliché, but life really is too short.

In the New Year I mentioned that I was going to take some photography classes (all of which were cancelled due to low enrollment).  Dave had asked me what my passion was, any hobbies I had, and I immediately came to ‘photography’.  Ever since the classes got cancelled and I felt rejected/burned by a photographer I was supposed to assist a shoot with I haven’t picked up my camera too much.  I brought it to NY but I didn’t even use it for anything.  Dave’s passion is music.  Through his hard dedication he’s achieved his dream and gets paid to make and play music.  He put it in a way that really opened my eyes and made me realize I have some hard work ahead of me.  He said that when explaining to his parents about his music, he explained it like this:

These are my college years.  These are the years where I have to work really hard, play in the dungy clubs, not get paid and go through the hard times. 

He looked at the “struggle” of making it much like a college student, and I think that is utterly cool.  It’s the stage where you have to practice, you have to have that drive, study for those tests, deal with being broke, not making anything from your efforts…  I believe if you take something on with that mindset, you will achieve your goal.  Now I just need to build up the courage to get back to “school”.

It’s funny how sometimes you realize how lonely of a soul you actually are.  It’s Saturday night and I’ve given up on the television, much like I’ve given up on a lot of other things in my life.  I have come to realize that I’ve basically been relying on the output of others to maintain any relations that I’ve had.  And I also now realize that others, like me, get tired of putting out the effort.  There was a time where I felt I put the effort out in life for “friends” and for other people who seemed to be more in my life.  Then I thought, I’m done, me first from now on.  Living in a “me first” world isn’t all it’s cracked out to be.  I need to start putting the effort back into things – but to be honest with you, I’m scared of what the outcome of that may be.  I’m scared that I may put out too much effort and scare people away.  I may put out too much effort and actually amount to more in life.  What am I afraid of?  What is so scary about life?  Everyone lives it, and to be honest mine has been completely blessed, so who am I to be afraid?  I have no home to lose, no friends to lose (I can count my true friends on one hand), why am I scared…

It’s also funny how the people you keep around “just for fun” can be so greatly missed when no longer in your life.  And no Alex, this isn’t pertaining to you.  I’ve censored my blog for so long now, I am tired of it and no longer will.  There was someone in my life with which I knew our relationship would lead nowhere.  I knew it from the beginning, but time spent with this person made me feel… made me feel like I had a place, like I was special, like I was lucky…  Now that I’m back from NY this person has slipped out of my life, and I have put in the effort – this person has driven me mad, and I’ve deleted them from my mobile.  I feel at peace, yet I feel sad…  I know that he will call me sometime next week, maybe…

This day and age is hard.  We have computers with Internet, we have cell phones with text messaging, email, pinning, different messenger programs, we have faxes and we have overnight delivery.  In a world where everything gets out so fast, the only thing we as people can’t rush is relationships – and it’s almost like who has time for those these days anyways?  It’s a sad thought.  It’s like when you finally meet someone who gives you that extra heartbeat you have to surround yourself in their image to remind yourself that they do exist.  I blame digital cameras.  Before digital cameras we had film, you’d take pictures and then you’d get them developed.  You had a hard copy of that memory right in front of you – now it gets loaded onto your computer and is lost in your hard-drive, rarely to be seen except for those times you find yourself randomly going through them.

We need to print more pictures.